I have been revolting against myself and my own inherent human nature. I have tried placing all that I am deep into the recesses of my inner being. If I could hide it so well from the outside world, I should be able to hide it from me, right?

The simple answer is no.

It pokes out and stares me in the face when I least expect it.

‘Here I am.’ It says.

‘No, I don’t see you. I deny you.’

‘But I am you.’ It insists.

A friend once told me I should not deny myself. At the time, I wasn’t. I was enjoying who I was…am. Whatever.

Right now I have too much on the go to worry about all of this.

Another friend would tell me to make time for myself and worry about it. To think about me. It’s hard to think about myself when others rely on me. When I have to wear one of my may masks that my persona dictates. It doesn’t all fit together anymore, I can’t be all of this, whatever *this* is, at the same time when I no longer fit within myself.

My downfall is that I am stubborn. I will dig my heels in and refuse to budge. I’m not budging on this. Not until I know exactly what it is I want and how to go about achieving this. Not only that, but to place it into firm words, words that people will understand and realize that there is no other way around it but to accept that as me. Oh yeah, and myself, I have to accept it myself. Then figure out how live within it. Live in reality with it, not as a dream or a nice fantasy or even as a pleasant thought.

Until then, I do not have time to think and worry about me. I will continue to bury this to core of my being. I am tired of the scene that is revolved around this part of me, so I have distanced myself from it. The aforementioned friend said it was good, I was following my instincts. I didn’t think I was but he assures me I am.

I will continue to revolt, until I know my gift and temperament has found a place to fit. That it is accepted as such and not swept off to the side, left to collect dust. Until then and for now the simple answer will have to be a difficult yes.