Justice

Your Tarot reading drew the Justice card. Your future holds good promise. Clarity and fairness in life will soon lead you out of problems you are facing. A resolution of conflicts will soon lift your burdens

I keep thinking about the Russian. *dreamy sighs*

Anonymous crushes are the worst and the best.

So Tricky

Not only do I miss him but holy fuck, I’m getting antsy for his return. I did not expect this at all. Considering I spent the past week in doubt and denial about it all.

All it took was one email. Tricky men.

I haven’t posted anything in awhile.

Consider this an update. I am alive. Still.

What else do you want to know?

I’m tired and want to sleep but I have two emails yet to cover tonight.

Bleh.

If I didn’t have the dumb today I could brain better.

Cheerio.

This was a saved post.

When I retrieved it, it was empty.

Saving nothing for a rainy day I suppose.

Two steps forward and one step back… people always say this with a negative attitude, at least you are still one step ahead in the game people!

Any improvement no matter how small it may seem is something positive. Look at the gains made and not the loss, by next week that loss will be forgotten as a new improvement, a new step, a new positive experience happens.

Fuck that one step back martyr-hood, maybe you’re just checking to see where you have been to say, yes, I’m beyond that now.

He asked if I was going to miss him, it sounded more like a statement but the question was there. Surprisingly, my reaction was yes, I was going to miss him. I asked if he was going to miss me. He said yes and I would be in his thoughts.

That felt nice.

It’s not the empty kind of missing either, for one I have tasks given to me, to be completed at certain times. I like tasks they keep me busy and direct my focus where they should be. I probably won’t notice the next two weeks because of this.

I keep asking myself if I’m attached…I guess we’ll see after two weeks now won’t we?

Like fuck I’m letting this pass me by. Fear -you niggling bitch of doubt- be gone. I can and will do this.

So.

This is what it’s like to be done with it all.

*twiddles thumbs*

Now what?

“Do You Sleep?” ~Lisa Loeb

do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
do you sleep anymore?

do you take plight on my tongue like lead?
do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?

i saw you as you walked across my room.
you looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
and you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.

i don’t know, and i don’t care
if i ever will see you again.
i don’t know, and i don’t care
if i ever will be there.

do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you keep me anymore?

you kick my foot under the table,
i kick you back;
i can’t say i’m able to
stand for you or
fall for you ever again.
wish for a perfect setting?
wishing that i am letting you
take me where you want me
all over again?
you can’t give yourself absolutely to someone else.

i don’t know, and i don’t care
if i ever will see you again.
i don’t know, and i don’t care
if i ever will be there.

i saw you as you walked across my room.
you looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
and you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.

do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
do you sleep anymore?

i don’t know, and i don’t care if i ever will be there.

If someone shows you who they are, believe them.

~Maya Angelou

I first heard this on Oprah. It stuck with me. It reinforces that actions actually back up thought.

I see his actions and I believe him. I believe him to the point now that I no longer care to believe in him.

Wishy-washy and weak is what comes to mind.

It hurts when a person falls from a pedestal, I’m glad I was the one standing on the floor when it happened. I stepped to the side just in time.

Like, seriously. STFU already.

Anyhoo, I’m not sure what it is that I am doing but I’m trying to move into a more healthy direction.

When something starts to affect your physical health, that is a sign that things are not working out so well for you.

I need to look after myself first and foremost right now. It still hurt but this is the best course of action and it is more peace settling for me. The more I think about it the more it sits right with me. I just have to figure out a way to make it work.

tic toc tic toc